Forever, for Good

I love him (I love him),

but for reasons unclear.

I try to grasp them, but they whisp past my ear..


I feel goodness around him,

But there is uncertainty in my heart.

Could I be (could I be),



Quick, think of the ways,

His oh so loving ways,

And list them so I don’t forget.


He’s nice.

He’s kind.

He’s one of a kind.

He’s picky.

He’s rude,

and has a rotten mood.


He’ll care for me always,

I love that he will.

But why does he love me?

His reasons aren’t real.


There’s no ring in his voice,

as a lying riddler would answer.

He just states the truth,

plain and simple.


So what if he’s hard headed,

He’s my dear heart-thump, Jared.

I don’t know how, but he is.


There’s no explanation,

And he may not deserve it,

But I love him forever,

For good.



He’s stressed,

I’m stressed.

He’s cold,

I try to warm him.

“Be happy!”

He will not.

What’s wrong with him?

He doesn’t know.

Let your heart be unscathed

I had a bad teenage life because I made horrid decisions. I met a boy I thought I loved, and began disobeying my parents. I was stupid, and far too spent on my own self than thinking  about how I was making my parents feel, or worse, my future spouse.

When you’re young you think that you understand life more than your parents. You think that you know love better. I mean look at your parents! They fight all the time. Where’s the love between them? That’ll never happen to me…

So you find a guy that’s charming. And as my roommate puts it, he knows all the pretty words to say to you, and not all of them are true (Of course you don’t realize that part for about three years after the breakup). He writes you poems, whispers in your ears, words that you never knew existed. He says he loves you, so he must mean it.

Your morals are pretty strong, but his aren’t so much. And really, how strong are you? When you’re seventeen you aren’t exactly old and wise. You know that he says he will treat your body respectfully, so you believe him! But, remember, you love him, and you make mistakes when your guard is down.

You realize that he’s smudging the line too much and you say, “Hey, I don’t actually like that. It’s not something I’m ready for.” Does he storm off? No, he “loves” you remember? Of course he’ll say sorry. Then he’ll make up for it by saying new magnified pretty words.

He owns you.

His pathetic little life is just full of disappointment and sorrow that of course you have to be his savior, the only one that will be there for him.

So you stick around.


And around.


Spiraling out of control.

I believe that God lets me decide what to do with my life. He watches over me of course, but it was my decision to end it. Near the end, though, I was praying for help. Because I needed help. This bad feeling inside me had grown into a monster, and I felt like I was possessed with this big black sin. A lie. He never loved me. He used me vicariously. His sting is so deep within me that I still feel its jerk, even now when I’m engaged and in love with the best man I have ever met.

If this message meets anyone’s eyes, I hope it touches a young person’s. Because falling in love is not a game you play in high school. Just face it, when you’re that young, it’s harder to see what love really is. Love isn’t something you fall into, but rather something you work for. Pure love is loving someone else more than yourself. Wait until you are old enough before you let anybody say pretty words to you, because if you don’t, your heart may hold onto an ache that will never go away.

Men are Heroes who don’t Understand.

When I am in limbo-land he saves me;

He breaches the water and pulls me out of the sand that I’m drowning in.

And then I am conscious again.

I can see his face with rushing clarity.

I suddenly feel ashamed.

I suddenly feel again,

And he is my hero.


Now we are here,

I am normal and he is tired.

We both sit there and talk about things that don’t matter.

When I can talk, I am too afraid to say things.

But when I do, he doesn’t understand me.

Mars and Venus? I think we could have some sort of sports match.

It’s Funny,

Love is.

It’s funny how it finds you.

So here I am wondering how he found me.

Undetected, he emerged from the pop-up story book of my life.. I knew someday this page would unfold, but I had no idea the beauty and uniqueness that would come with it. And with every pop-up book that I’ve read, I sure am impressed with the elaborate way the paper is folded, how the colors are arranged, and just the simple way it unfolds at the right time. And that’s me, I guess. And my God has each page waiting for me to open them. But with any good book, it is always read in good time.


I’m not getting over this

A full-blown circle,

because here I am again.

Looking at you through a glass full of dread.


This other love,

he loves me so.

Can’t you see? There’s no where else

I’d rather go.


He is my love,

my dove.

He sweeps me up from broken water,

breaching waves,

through a kaleidoscope I’ve looked,

seeing nothing,

seeing everything.

The “whys” I saw and the “what if I hadn’t”.

I see the colors,

the memories of amazement.

Pure unadulterated memories…

but then clouded by smog.

I remember why.

I gasp for air; my new love pulls me out.

The water is gone from my mouth.


The sweet incandescent taste of it.

How beautiful,

how clean.

Magnificent air.

The looks of the air is clearer.

The lines are not smudged anymore and

I see..


I see you. The vibrancy of you. You smile at me

and I see truth.

I see you.

I see me.

“I can’t go back there!” I cry..

“Please, no more.”

The old love left a burn on my heart.

Bruised, tattered, violated, remorseful,

over a love like him.

Stop pricking my heart with pained remembrance.



Hold me tight

Look into my eyes,

see that I’ve changed.

It’s me, just me.

I’ve always been me..

But he brought out the worst in me.

Forget the me that went with his plans.

Forget that I was there with him.

I left.

I ran!

Believe me.

I’m sorry I will hurt you

By telling you the things I’ve done.

I’m ashamed, sorrowful, alone,


Don’t let me stand alone,


I’ll fall back in the water.

Dear Diary?

Jared and I have been dating since the beginning of September and I’ve never been happier 🙂

But that’s just it.

I haven’t always been this happy.

How do I tell him that? When you love someone don’t you tell them about your life? In practically every way he has had the complete opposite experiences. I have to tell him who I am. How can he know all of me unless he knows my mistakes and misfortunes that have shaped me into the person he fell in love with?

Would he understand?

My mistakes for one aren’t light. They could be heartbreaking to him, as they were heart-wrenching to me. How would he handle it? I’m going to die…


His life is seemingly perfect.

HOW could he understand?

I get the feeling he would.


I think he loves me too much not to.

I think I’m in Love

I found someone amazing. And when I say “amazing”, I mean “the most beautiful thing that has ever graced me with his presence”. He is the most loving person that I have ever met. This is a man who puts a smile on my face when I’m not even thinking about him.. I sing in the shower more. It doesn’t matter how bad my day is going; I’m glowing in love! I think I’m in love..

How can someone this perfect be existent? I wonder how I deserve a man so exceptional. I really do. I want to say that I am in no-wise deserving of such a person. I want to say that he could have anyone he wanted (it’s probably true), but I know better. I know that I deserve a good man like him. I know that because I’ve been working on myself to become the kind of person I would marry. I think God wants me to have someone this good. In a way, I feel like He is telling me that I’ve done well with myself.

I really do think I love him 🙂

He’s the one for me.


He set this surprise up for me a few days ago ❤

What a sweetie!