Let your heart be unscathed

I had a bad teenage life because I made horrid decisions. I met a boy I thought I loved, and began disobeying my parents. I was stupid, and far too spent on my own self than thinking  about how I was making my parents feel, or worse, my future spouse.

When you’re young you think that you understand life more than your parents. You think that you know love better. I mean look at your parents! They fight all the time. Where’s the love between them? That’ll never happen to me…

So you find a guy that’s charming. And as my roommate puts it, he knows all the pretty words to say to you, and not all of them are true (Of course you don’t realize that part for about three years after the breakup). He writes you poems, whispers in your ears, words that you never knew existed. He says he loves you, so he must mean it.

Your morals are pretty strong, but his aren’t so much. And really, how strong are you? When you’re seventeen you aren’t exactly old and wise. You know that he says he will treat your body respectfully, so you believe him! But, remember, you love him, and you make mistakes when your guard is down.

You realize that he’s smudging the line too much and you say, “Hey, I don’t actually like that. It’s not something I’m ready for.” Does he storm off? No, he “loves” you remember? Of course he’ll say sorry. Then he’ll make up for it by saying new magnified pretty words.

He owns you.

His pathetic little life is just full of disappointment and sorrow that of course you have to be his savior, the only one that will be there for him.

So you stick around.

 

And around.

 

Spiraling out of control.

I believe that God lets me decide what to do with my life. He watches over me of course, but it was my decision to end it. Near the end, though, I was praying for help. Because I needed help. This bad feeling inside me had grown into a monster, and I felt like I was possessed with this big black sin. A lie. He never loved me. He used me vicariously. His sting is so deep within me that I still feel its jerk, even now when I’m engaged and in love with the best man I have ever met.

If this message meets anyone’s eyes, I hope it touches a young person’s. Because falling in love is not a game you play in high school. Just face it, when you’re that young, it’s harder to see what love really is. Love isn’t something you fall into, but rather something you work for. Pure love is loving someone else more than yourself. Wait until you are old enough before you let anybody say pretty words to you, because if you don’t, your heart may hold onto an ache that will never go away.

Men are Heroes who don’t Understand.

When I am in limbo-land he saves me;

He breaches the water and pulls me out of the sand that I’m drowning in.

And then I am conscious again.

I can see his face with rushing clarity.

I suddenly feel ashamed.

I suddenly feel again,

And he is my hero.

 

Now we are here,

I am normal and he is tired.

We both sit there and talk about things that don’t matter.

When I can talk, I am too afraid to say things.

But when I do, he doesn’t understand me.

Mars and Venus? I think we could have some sort of sports match.

It’s Funny,

Love is.

It’s funny how it finds you.

So here I am wondering how he found me.

Undetected, he emerged from the pop-up story book of my life.. I knew someday this page would unfold, but I had no idea the beauty and uniqueness that would come with it. And with every pop-up book that I’ve read, I sure am impressed with the elaborate way the paper is folded, how the colors are arranged, and just the simple way it unfolds at the right time. And that’s me, I guess. And my God has each page waiting for me to open them. But with any good book, it is always read in good time.

 

Dear Diary?

Jared and I have been dating since the beginning of September and I’ve never been happier 🙂

But that’s just it.

I haven’t always been this happy.

How do I tell him that? When you love someone don’t you tell them about your life? In practically every way he has had the complete opposite experiences. I have to tell him who I am. How can he know all of me unless he knows my mistakes and misfortunes that have shaped me into the person he fell in love with?

Would he understand?

My mistakes for one aren’t light. They could be heartbreaking to him, as they were heart-wrenching to me. How would he handle it? I’m going to die…

 

His life is seemingly perfect.

HOW could he understand?

I get the feeling he would.

Why?

I think he loves me too much not to.

Does Aging mean You’re Growing?

Today I am 20.

Well, yesterday if you want to be all technical, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am older now. It’s a little silly to think that just because our birthday falls on one day, our life skips forward an entire year. In reality, every day we age. Every day we grow and (hopefully) mature, and learn. This makes everyday a holiday though, right?

This makes me wonder… does age matter? Or is the real important reality how we spend our time? Maybe the thing we should really classify ourselves as, is how much we grow during our lifetime.

Today is the opportunity. So –

..because today is the first day of the rest of your life

There’s a Reason

We’ve been away from each other for almost two years and I STILL think about him. There are little details about someone that you loved that you never forget. I remember the way his skin felt. It was smooth and flawless. The way his face looked when his eyes were on me…

I feel trapped. Because I can’t let this go. I can’t let the memory of him go, so here I am feeling stuck.

The problem is, it’s hard for me to let someone go from my life. I have the tendency to let my heart wrap itself up in everything that is in them. And when it comes to the only guy I have ever loved, that’s the truth.

Don’t get me wrong… I eat my fill every day, and laugh with friends. I sing loud and dance when a familiar song comes along, and my heart feels no pang of tragedy.

But the memory plays inside my head when I see a similar face. It blares when a near-same personality is emoted in a stranger’s body. The memory won’t leave me alone.

It’s just like that time a few weeks ago (I wrote about it) when I stumbled into seeing him in the Target back home. I wondered: “Should I trust my eyes?”, but I knew it was him. I don’t know what it is, but loving someone that much makes it impossible to miss them in a crowd. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but he was there, and I had to face that fact.

I have been hard on myself to try to forget the reoccurring memory of him. The weird part is that I’m fine though. My heart doesn’t yearn for him any longer, and I’ve been happy and mended for a long time. My life is going in the direction that I think it should be going. I’m free as a bird in this thing called life, and I feel content.

Why can’t I get him out of my head then?

I think it has something to do with self-respect.

It’s something that I’ve gotten a lot more of in the last year and a half. I’ve had to work for it. Hard work, earning my way through college. Carrying on after losing all my friends. Standing tall when I am on my own.. THESE are the things that have made me who I am right now. It is God that has helped me through the difficulties all of these hold. I don’t know how many times I’ve knelt by my bed, or tried not to crash as I’m driving with tears in my eyes, as I pray to my Heavenly Father. He has been my support through everything… And I know that going through these trials won’t be in vain, because there’s a reason for everything.

There’s a reason I must learn through trials of hard work, losing friends, and standing alone. How would I have learned the lessons without going through the breakup? I’m scratching the surface of who I am, and it wouldn’t have happened another way. So in other words, I’m happy because I have more respect for myself than I had yesterday, but mostly because it’s not as much as I will tomorrow.

If there’s any proof that there’s a God, it’s me, because he’s helped me the most.

..I’m on my way

Misplace in the Crowd

I know that I am only halfway done with my summer vacation, but I can’t wait for it to be over.

It’s not that I dislike my family, but I feel choked staying here. I feel like a child the way my parents are treating me. It’s not just my parents that I don’t like to be around.. My hometown is a place I left for a reason…

Today I saw him in Target. So there I was picking up a curtain rod (for the valance I made my mom in the laundry room), and I walk around the corner towards the cashiers, and there he was. The back of anybody couldn’t have looked better. I’m not going to lie, I freaked the crap out and retreated behind some clothing racks. But I was curious. I pretended to look at belts for a few minutes as I just watched him ring up Target customers.

I hate that I did it.

He still had the same quirks. Even the way he touched his face was familiar to me.

After a few minutes I checked out with a different cashier and quietly left.

I feel mad that I watched him, because in doing so I started to really miss him.

I’m mad at myself for not being over him.

I’m pissed that my parents are being controlling.

I’m angry that I feel powerless with no money or sense of direction.

I don’t know what to do.

Is it bad that I want to run away? Just run, get out of here. I want to load my VW Bug up with everything I own and  just drive somewhere. Anywhere else. I just want to leave and go to a new town and meet new people who I don’t know. People whose quirks I haven’t grown to love. These people won’t have names that make my heart sullen to hear, or faces that look perfectly familiar. They will be strangers, and I will not feel anything at all for them. And maybe I will forget how much I loved him, and misplace his name in the crowd.

T minus 9 days

Usually I try to find a picture in effort to color in my thoughts as I try to elaborate them to the non-responsive internet. Today I just decided to take a picture of my college-striken face because hey, I’m too lazy to google a sunset.

Dear void,

It’s me again. Rachel, that is. I’ve been having an interesting time in college this last semester. But from frustrating apartment situations to dating, I’m still pretty optimistic.

When it comes to dating, here’s the thing: I’m flabbergasted.

Ok, ok okok.. here’s the thing… I’m like a man when it comes to dating.

1. I am honest

2. I will tell you how I feel (exactly)

3. I will not string someone along (never)

Lately I’ve been having the horrible misfortune of meeting guys that have been playing games with me. Yes, dear holy internet, I have been dating girl-like men who play freaking mind games. And uhhhhh yeah. It pisses me off. So I’m a little tired of dating right now.

I guess the real question here, Void, is when will I meet somebody worthwhile? I’m 19 years old and already am tired of the dating game. I really am. Ugh.

Next week is the end of the semester, however.

Rachel is excited. Estoy emocionada! WOOOOOOO

Ok, back to homework.

No. No more pictures, Rachel.

NO.

But who has time to live?

If I had a million dollars of non-dwindling funds, I would buy a big ol house and fill it  with all the stuff I like. One floor would be dedicated to writing, another to all things music, and another to brushes and paints.  An entire wing would be dedicated to sewing. Yards of fabric with choices beyond measure. I’d have no limits. I could create forever.

I want to write, I want to sew. I want to make beautiful music and I want to paint my memories… Norah Jones sung about being a painter in her song “If I were a Painter”:

But I can’t. I don’t have the money, and I don’t have the time.

I’m a lowly college student with big dreams and literally blisters on my feet.

Maybe someday?