No Clown Anymore

I’m up. I’m down.

I’m thrown around

In my head and through people around me.


I am no clown,

I bear no frown.

I see many people surround thee.


Today I am sound,

then thrown to the ground.

I’m not who they wish I could be.


I’m not getting over this

A full-blown circle,

because here I am again.

Looking at you through a glass full of dread.


This other love,

he loves me so.

Can’t you see? There’s no where else

I’d rather go.


He is my love,

my dove.

He sweeps me up from broken water,

breaching waves,

through a kaleidoscope I’ve looked,

seeing nothing,

seeing everything.

The “whys” I saw and the “what if I hadn’t”.

I see the colors,

the memories of amazement.

Pure unadulterated memories…

but then clouded by smog.

I remember why.

I gasp for air; my new love pulls me out.

The water is gone from my mouth.


The sweet incandescent taste of it.

How beautiful,

how clean.

Magnificent air.

The looks of the air is clearer.

The lines are not smudged anymore and

I see..


I see you. The vibrancy of you. You smile at me

and I see truth.

I see you.

I see me.

“I can’t go back there!” I cry..

“Please, no more.”

The old love left a burn on my heart.

Bruised, tattered, violated, remorseful,

over a love like him.

Stop pricking my heart with pained remembrance.



Hold me tight

Look into my eyes,

see that I’ve changed.

It’s me, just me.

I’ve always been me..

But he brought out the worst in me.

Forget the me that went with his plans.

Forget that I was there with him.

I left.

I ran!

Believe me.

I’m sorry I will hurt you

By telling you the things I’ve done.

I’m ashamed, sorrowful, alone,


Don’t let me stand alone,


I’ll fall back in the water.

Going, going.. gone

It’s like the separation of church and state.

The decision between honey and jam,

apples or oranges,

life or death.

How do I live,

with or without you?

I see you slipping away;

through a cracked window pane,

you’re a fuzzy silhouette.

That dusty memory

all scratchy from use

on a shelf in the back,

not any more wanted,

nor anymore use.

My eyes are clear.

I know

how it feels to be me,

and I like it.

I’m me now completely

with no one moving my limbs,

with marionette strings.

My walls crash down

like ocean waves

on the rocks by the seaside,

the wayside,

I see light

on a beautiful face.

One year and eight months. It was

many hours



that I spent on thoughts of you.

I’m scarred

“Get out of my head

please just go away..

There is someone new,” I said.

I found an angel who I can relay:

He’s tall and lean, with a hair full of red,

more sweet, and accepting, than you.


In every way he is opposite too,

But no matter how hard I try

I’m reminded of how I loved you true,

and at that thought I cry.


Why won’t you go?

I want you gone; please leave me alone.

You’re tossing me to and fro.


“I want to hold new love,”(I say),

But each step closer I’m marred.

There’s no solution that I can think of..

The old love left a scar.

One More Step

One More Step

By Rachel Bryan

I left you alone by the school

and I never felt more like a fool

with billowy-eyes,

I felt no surprise,

for the turmoil I was feeling.


I left that city,

racked with self-pity,

with a faint hope in my heart.

All I wanted was a new start,

but I should have looked much farther.


A year and a half in the mirror,

and your eyes I only see clearer.

With blue eyes like a storm,

all I felt was lukewarm,

knowing I could never see them again.


I try to think of another,

with feelings we’d share with each other.

And with wise time I learn from the past

and see old love’s faults at last.

I am one step closer to “better”.


Sometimes I think about you,

Your laugh, your smile, the way you stand.

It’s the way you hold yourself.

The way you pushed your black-framed glasses back up your nose,

How you walked in front of me towards the beach.


Sometimes I think of your crooked teeth.

Sometimes I catch myself making a joke that we used to laugh at together.


Today I saw new pictures of you .

You look happy,

You look content.

It made me smile

It made me remember how much I prayed for you to be happy.

Those countless nights pleading to God

To give you direction,

To point you towards something happy.

Happiness that you deserve.


I miss you today,

Even when I know there’s no way I can see you again.

Our time is over.

But I still love you.


Remember what I told you

all those nights ago?


I always will.

Until then por que am I finding schmucks?

Conquer to find that Guy

By Rachel Bryan

I love to learn, and I know how to love;

so why can’t I get this right?

I get lost and can’t seem to rise above,

And I wonder why I try to fight.

I have no fighting stance,

as they leave me to wonder why.

But still, perhaps, I’ll get that chance,

to finally find a good guy.