We’ve been away from each other for almost two years and I STILL think about him. There are little details about someone that you loved that you never forget. I remember the way his skin felt. It was smooth and flawless. The way his face looked when his eyes were on me…
I feel trapped. Because I can’t let this go. I can’t let the memory of him go, so here I am feeling stuck.
The problem is, it’s hard for me to let someone go from my life. I have the tendency to let my heart wrap itself up in everything that is in them. And when it comes to the only guy I have ever loved, that’s the truth.
Don’t get me wrong… I eat my fill every day, and laugh with friends. I sing loud and dance when a familiar song comes along, and my heart feels no pang of tragedy.
But the memory plays inside my head when I see a similar face. It blares when a near-same personality is emoted in a stranger’s body. The memory won’t leave me alone.
It’s just like that time a few weeks ago (I wrote about it) when I stumbled into seeing him in the Target back home. I wondered: “Should I trust my eyes?”, but I knew it was him. I don’t know what it is, but loving someone that much makes it impossible to miss them in a crowd. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but he was there, and I had to face that fact.
I have been hard on myself to try to forget the reoccurring memory of him. The weird part is that I’m fine though. My heart doesn’t yearn for him any longer, and I’ve been happy and mended for a long time. My life is going in the direction that I think it should be going. I’m free as a bird in this thing called life, and I feel content.
Why can’t I get him out of my head then?
I think it has something to do with self-respect.
It’s something that I’ve gotten a lot more of in the last year and a half. I’ve had to work for it. Hard work, earning my way through college. Carrying on after losing all my friends. Standing tall when I am on my own.. THESE are the things that have made me who I am right now. It is God that has helped me through the difficulties all of these hold. I don’t know how many times I’ve knelt by my bed, or tried not to crash as I’m driving with tears in my eyes, as I pray to my Heavenly Father. He has been my support through everything… And I know that going through these trials won’t be in vain, because there’s a reason for everything.
There’s a reason I must learn through trials of hard work, losing friends, and standing alone. How would I have learned the lessons without going through the breakup? I’m scratching the surface of who I am, and it wouldn’t have happened another way. So in other words, I’m happy because I have more respect for myself than I had yesterday, but mostly because it’s not as much as I will tomorrow.
If there’s any proof that there’s a God, it’s me, because he’s helped me the most.
..I’m on my way