There’s a Reason

We’ve been away from each other for almost two years and I STILL think about him. There are little details about someone that you loved that you never forget. I remember the way his skin felt. It was smooth and flawless. The way his face looked when his eyes were on me…

I feel trapped. Because I can’t let this go. I can’t let the memory of him go, so here I am feeling stuck.

The problem is, it’s hard for me to let someone go from my life. I have the tendency to let my heart wrap itself up in everything that is in them. And when it comes to the only guy I have ever loved, that’s the truth.

Don’t get me wrong… I eat my fill every day, and laugh with friends. I sing loud and dance when a familiar song comes along, and my heart feels no pang of tragedy.

But the memory plays inside my head when I see a similar face. It blares when a near-same personality is emoted in a stranger’s body. The memory won’t leave me alone.

It’s just like that time a few weeks ago (I wrote about it) when I stumbled into seeing him in the Target back home. I wondered: “Should I trust my eyes?”, but I knew it was him. I don’t know what it is, but loving someone that much makes it impossible to miss them in a crowd. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but he was there, and I had to face that fact.

I have been hard on myself to try to forget the reoccurring memory of him. The weird part is that I’m fine though. My heart doesn’t yearn for him any longer, and I’ve been happy and mended for a long time. My life is going in the direction that I think it should be going. I’m free as a bird in this thing called life, and I feel content.

Why can’t I get him out of my head then?

I think it has something to do with self-respect.

It’s something that I’ve gotten a lot more of in the last year and a half. I’ve had to work for it. Hard work, earning my way through college. Carrying on after losing all my friends. Standing tall when I am on my own.. THESE are the things that have made me who I am right now. It is God that has helped me through the difficulties all of these hold. I don’t know how many times I’ve knelt by my bed, or tried not to crash as I’m driving with tears in my eyes, as I pray to my Heavenly Father. He has been my support through everything… And I know that going through these trials won’t be in vain, because there’s a reason for everything.

There’s a reason I must learn through trials of hard work, losing friends, and standing alone. How would I have learned the lessons without going through the breakup? I’m scratching the surface of who I am, and it wouldn’t have happened another way. So in other words, I’m happy because I have more respect for myself than I had yesterday, but mostly because it’s not as much as I will tomorrow.

If there’s any proof that there’s a God, it’s me, because he’s helped me the most.

..I’m on my way


One More Step

One More Step

By Rachel Bryan

I left you alone by the school

and I never felt more like a fool

with billowy-eyes,

I felt no surprise,

for the turmoil I was feeling.


I left that city,

racked with self-pity,

with a faint hope in my heart.

All I wanted was a new start,

but I should have looked much farther.


A year and a half in the mirror,

and your eyes I only see clearer.

With blue eyes like a storm,

all I felt was lukewarm,

knowing I could never see them again.


I try to think of another,

with feelings we’d share with each other.

And with wise time I learn from the past

and see old love’s faults at last.

I am one step closer to “better”.

Misplace in the Crowd

I know that I am only halfway done with my summer vacation, but I can’t wait for it to be over.

It’s not that I dislike my family, but I feel choked staying here. I feel like a child the way my parents are treating me. It’s not just my parents that I don’t like to be around.. My hometown is a place I left for a reason…

Today I saw him in Target. So there I was picking up a curtain rod (for the valance I made my mom in the laundry room), and I walk around the corner towards the cashiers, and there he was. The back of anybody couldn’t have looked better. I’m not going to lie, I freaked the crap out and retreated behind some clothing racks. But I was curious. I pretended to look at belts for a few minutes as I just watched him ring up Target customers.

I hate that I did it.

He still had the same quirks. Even the way he touched his face was familiar to me.

After a few minutes I checked out with a different cashier and quietly left.

I feel mad that I watched him, because in doing so I started to really miss him.

I’m mad at myself for not being over him.

I’m pissed that my parents are being controlling.

I’m angry that I feel powerless with no money or sense of direction.

I don’t know what to do.

Is it bad that I want to run away? Just run, get out of here. I want to load my VW Bug up with everything I own and  just drive somewhere. Anywhere else. I just want to leave and go to a new town and meet new people who I don’t know. People whose quirks I haven’t grown to love. These people won’t have names that make my heart sullen to hear, or faces that look perfectly familiar. They will be strangers, and I will not feel anything at all for them. And maybe I will forget how much I loved him, and misplace his name in the crowd.


Sometimes I think about you,

Your laugh, your smile, the way you stand.

It’s the way you hold yourself.

The way you pushed your black-framed glasses back up your nose,

How you walked in front of me towards the beach.


Sometimes I think of your crooked teeth.

Sometimes I catch myself making a joke that we used to laugh at together.


Today I saw new pictures of you .

You look happy,

You look content.

It made me smile

It made me remember how much I prayed for you to be happy.

Those countless nights pleading to God

To give you direction,

To point you towards something happy.

Happiness that you deserve.


I miss you today,

Even when I know there’s no way I can see you again.

Our time is over.

But I still love you.


Remember what I told you

all those nights ago?


I always will.

If not now, when?

Falling in Love seems as often in my life as uneventful.

You Know he likes You when he:

     1. Looks to talk with you

     2. Brushes your arm

     3. Sits near

And you definitely know you like Him when you:

     1. Mime his attention

     2. Trust his touch

     3. Welcome his presence

It gets disappointing;

things never work out.

Questions plague my mind… Is it possible to love someone so deeply once, and feel it again for someone new? Or even worse, is there a person that is capable of loving me just as much as I was loved before? I do realize now that I was not loved the way I ought to have been loved. His love was selfish and easily offended. He was cruel and bitter. My life is better now that I’m alone. I’m safe inside the wall I built where the only love I seek is that of my family, friends and from above… I don’t run away from the possibility of new love, but I still am worried. He never loved all of me, the love I formerly held so dear.. He loved what was acceptable, but criticized the rest. Can I be my whole self and be loved no matter what?

I think someday I will.

Salem! But not the place that burns witches.

We’ve all gone through it.

Moving back home after the semester ends, and wondering how we ever lived there before. Mom would worry about you staying out late, while Dad actually gets angry about it.

The moment he sat me down and gave me a curfew, I decided to move out again.

Salem Oregon!

My brother Seth offered me a job working at his store, Plato’s Closet.

Quick Fact: Dry days average about 300 days a year, leaving about 65 days of seemingly constant rain. The first week I was here it rained so much that schools were cancelled, roads were closed, and a few people died. 😦

It’s was nice to visit home, but better to get away. Better for my sanity.

On another note,

Fender C60. Bought it on craigslist. EPIC deal. Guy was asking $225, I got him to $200. Then I go to look at it, and it’s brand new! I mean perfect condition. Great body, good resinating sound… beautiful. Also came with a capo, shoulder strap, and extra picks.

I feel like I got an extraordinary deal. I’m loving the acoustics.

I feel unsettled though. Unsatisfied. Like I am yearning for the answer to where my life is going.

I’ve always been the soul-searching kind of person. I never realized how long it took for me to get ready for bed; often I end up being pensive by the end of the night.. It wasn’t until I was at college that I noticed that all my roommates had long been dreaming, and I was still awake. That’s just the way I unwind I guess, thinking and wondering.

I’ve been thinking a lot about someone I dated in high school. It’s been a year now since we broke up, but I still feel the hole in my heart. Dreams come about him, even though I never dream. He was my first love.

I guess I just feel a little sad, and definitely lonely in a new place. It helps knowing that I can always pray, and know someone is listening.

At a time like this, I just gotta keep moving on, keeping my chin up, and look to what the future could bring. There’s really nothing else I can do.